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Sorry I don't write more often!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Sorry I don't write more often!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)
Just getting so tired of all the changes. We sold out at work again so who knows what we will be doing next. Hopefuly I can hang on for 2 more years. If not I can still make it just won't be getting things done at the house I wanted before being on an evan more limited budget. Oh well, whatever will be will be. Happy late anniversary!!! Some of the sweethearts at work had an impromptu birthday party for me so I thought of you and our anniversary also. Also and early happy birthday!!! since who knows when I can write again. Still miss and love you everyday even dream about you when I get caught up on my sleep. Well I better get back to work. Love always, Carla Close
Almost another year!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Almost another year!  / Carla Bell (wife)
Well sweetheart, I''ve survived another year without you would Its getting so that everyone we knew or I talked to is with you. Gets pretty lonesome down here. Tell Jim and everyone hi for me. LOVE AND MISS YOU, Carla Close
Still find it hard to believe!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Still find it hard to believe!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

Well still find it hard to believe that is has been three years since you left. Maybe its because I still talk to you almost everyday. I went to Spokane the other day and made our loop. Coming back down on the Idaho side I could hear you telling me about satellite corner when we came to it just like you always did . The corner of the road where the moterhome swayed and we slid one of the satellite cakes into the wall that we had made for Karen's folks anniversary.  But they all sure seemed to appreciate it and you always got a laugh out of our "satellite corner" after that. Then you were telling me the story about were you went belly up logging for the forest service. They just relogged that hope whoever did it this time came out better than you. Oh I thought of lunch when I went by our regular spot that is no longer there. It looked like they had just removed the sign not too long ago. 

 I talked to Bobbie for a few minutes the other day. She seems to be doing fine. I need to get a hold of her again and find outhow her test came out. I guess she has some growths on her thyroid now. For being rare if its cancer what are the odds of her and Cindy both getting it. But then she comes to talk to you too, so you probably know more than I do. Been going to call Jim but him and Karen went to New York for the veterans games. He's still hanging in there and fooling the doctors.

 Got a guy to come and till the back yard so I can put in a new yard. Boy you sure can't buy work like you used to do. Looks nothing like when you went and got a tractor and tiller. It doesnt't even look as good as it did when I did it with a hand tiller. Oh well it was worth a shot. I need to get a plumber too. I should have been suspicious when the fellow working on the house was handging on the outside water pipe with his foot against he house last year but worked fine until I wnt to turn the water on this spring and we had a sprinkler sytem attached to the house.

 I can think of all kinds of things to talk to you about until I get here then .......but since I talk to you as I go maybe thats why. Oh!!! I did forget to tell you I let you drive back part of the way from Spokane the other day. You were passing everything on the road as usual. I took back over when you passed the police outside of Genessee though. You don't need any more tickets.

 Well Baby I love and miss you. Will talk to you agin later.

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Happy Father's Day  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Happy Father's Day  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)
Hi Dad, I never know what to say on here; I don't plan it and don't want to sound depressed ... but it seems that when I miss you the most I visit here. I know it doesn't take me writing something here to have you know what I am thinking. I talked to Carla for a while the other night; it was so nice!!!! Told her that if they decide to end her job she can come live with me ... I would love that and I don't think we would get into tooooo much trouble. I miss you dad! There are so many things that I wish I could talk to you about ... so many answers that I am looking for. I guess I can pretend to talk to you because you always had a way of making me come up with my own decision anyway; maybe that is why I am so independent. I am starting to worry about retirement and if I will be ok financially. Well dad, I am old enough now that I don't think I will ever find a man to love me, like you loved Carla. That means that as an adult I never ever had a healthy relationship ... WoW, it must be me. Today is Father's Day and this is my phonecall to heaven ... Happy Father's Day Dad. WoW, you really are gone ... forever. Hate this!!!!!! Your daughter, Barbara Close
Corruption!!! / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Corruption!!! / Carla Bell (wife)

 Haven't had a drink for 19 years and finally broke down and went and had 2 red beers with a few friends the other night. Wohoo!!!! Not like the old days when we really partied!!! But at least I got out of the house for something besides work. Speaking of work they are changing all kinds of things there so hope my job continues. If not other plans. Getting a little old and broke down for that but not much choice-----something always comes around when things are really looking down. You always said God had of way at smiling at us when we really needed it.

 Was looking for rainbows yesterday just as a sign. Didn't see any but I know they are there. So gazed at your face smiling at me with your cocky grin in your captains hat and remembered better times had to smile. Well baby sorry to be short but I should go. Will try to talk to you on your rebirthday if not before. Love and miss you. Your wife, Carla

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Happy anniversary!!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Happy anniversary!!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well survived another anniversary without you. Didn't plan on doing much since it was my birthday too. Met my goal. Thought about you and what we might have done if you had been here. Jim called to wish me a happy birthday. So now we have your birthday coming up but I'll be going back to work that day. So I'll probably call Jim a little early to wish him a good day. I tried to maintain your way of calling him between your birthdays but I'm sure he'll understand.

 Still trying to get stuff around the house but am discovering I'm one of those people who needs someone else to give them a reason to do things. You were always great about getting things done on your own but I enjoyed having you around to do things with even if you were in the house and I was out working in the yard or you in the yard and me doing housework. Guess I'm going to have to do like when I go shopping and just pretend your somewhere else in the store.

 Been thinking about making a run to Spokane for our normal loop. Maybe I can use that to bribe myself into getting some other things done. Maybe not... tried that last week didn't make the trip and didn't get much done. Maybe it will get better now that summer is almost here. Sorry to be such a whiner. Didn't do it when you were here shouldn't do it now.

Well baby I miss you and love you. But I better get busy and talk to you again soon. Sorry I don't seem to get a hold of you much any more. Need to get my internet fixed at home. Something happened to it when I had the house worked on last year. I'm still paying for it but they are not very good about coming around to fix things and working nights makes it a little harder to try and get things done.  So I will talk to you again soon.

Happy early birthday!!!!!! just  in case I don't get back to you then. Love you!!!!

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Trying again!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Trying again!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

Well sweetie I'll try this again the last few times  it hasn't  worked when I tried to enter. Still missing you terribly. Its just no fun doing things without you so I end up doing nothing. The only positive thing I can say is being numb on the inside  has its upside. When I had a car coming head on towards me awhile back because the driver had a seizure I never even flinched just watched him come. Remember when I used to tell you my feet were tingling and my toes where curling when we got into certain situations. That doesn't happen any more. You took all my feelings with you. I just do what I'm expected to do but don't feel anything one way of the other. Well this is getting depressing don't mean to do that to you so on to other things.

 I have not heard from Bobbie for awhile she was saying the last time I spoke to her the kids are planning on going to South Dakota this summer and maybe I could go with. We'll see.....I tried calling Jim last week but  got hung up on twice right after they answered. Don't know what happened or if they just don't want to talk to me. Find that hard to believe since they made sure I got to see them when they have been down. Will have to call on my day off and see whats happening. Hate to bother them too much with everything they have going on. Well........this isn't too far from depressing either, so on to other things.

 Yippeee!!!! they are planning on putting us back onto 12 hour shifts, maybe I will have time to get something done. I told someone the other day thats probably one of the reasons you gave up and left was because of the change in my schedule to 8 hour shifts so we never could get anywhere. You only had to contend with it for six months. We have a new boss who seems to be trying to work with everyone for a change. not hearing the complaining we normally do about new bosses......yet anyway.

 Been thinking if nothing else I might go to Crater  Lake this summer for a day. The last beautiful place we were together....maybe not .....get lonesome just thinking about it. It never seemed to bother you to go someplace by yourself not that you ever stayed very long since I wasn't there. You always told me if something happened to me you would sell everything and travel. Me I'm just the backwards type. try to keep everything basically the same. I feel closer to you where we spent the most time together. Well baby it is starting to get busy so I better close. I love you and miss you.

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Hard to believe!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Hard to believe!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 It's so hard to believe its been two years today that you left. I visit with you everyday and even had you in the bedroom during the construction, just the rug when we had to take all the furniture out. I knew you would enjoy the smell of the new cut wood and keep and eye on everthing else. Since you so enjoyed doing a lot of that stuff yourself. You are back on your dad's cabinet. Actually you are about the only part of the house other than the bathroom that is as it should be. With only one day a week to get anything done I can't seem to get caught up. Oh well!! Any excuse is better than none. 

 Wish you had been the one to change the bedroom windows. Hate the one new one. With the new codes its too big for such a small room and the air conditioner is going to be an issue. I don't want a hole cut in the wall just for the air conditioner. So maybe I'll just have two in the living room and keep the door open. Oops I don't think thats going to work either. Well I do most of my sleeping on the couch anyway.

 Hadn't given it much thought but hadn't been sleeping but 2-4 hours a day this week. Then it finally dawned on me this anniversary was here. Even though I seem to be in shut down mode as far as feeling anything---Happiness-sadness-just a monotone of grey nothing with not much getting in as far as feelings. I guess some things are still subconsciously there.  Greycee the cat had kittens last month and we lost 3 of them on my last days off. Didn't feel the loss. It hurt so bad when you left everything has went on shutdown mode and hasn't came back. I know Bobbie and them have to think I'm strange for not showing much emotion when they call but I have it on check. My job probably doesn't help since you have to keep personnal feelings at bay since your not torn up all the time. I envy Bobbie being able to vent. She called tonight crying because she misses you so much and I know I had to sound cold because everything in a grey holding pattern for me.

 Well Baby I guess I better go. I do love you!!! Strange tonght just before Bobbie called I was going in to the kitchen to feed the kitties when I thought I heard you calling me-- you did it twice- a spark of joy extinguished by the reality that it wasn't you and won't be again.

                            Love your wife and best friend   

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Two years without you ....  / Barbara (Daughter)  Read >>
Two years without you ....  / Barbara (Daughter)

Dad,

In a couple of days it will be two years since you left for heaven.      A lot has happened since you left, one of the things being a year ago I ended my relationship with Bill.   It has been financially very hard but I am making it and even though I miss the good things about him, I am finally taking your advice and am not going to ever go back to that relationship.  

I have found myself in a deep depression for the past 6 months, seems as though things just get better ... then three steps backwards, but that is life.   Was SO proud of myself for paying off the truck; now there is something wrong with it and they are saying that it might just need a new engine .... sometimes it drives ok and sometimes it DOESN'T!!!  Good thing I only live 1.3 miles from work.   But something good will happen, just gotta keep the faith. 

I just called Bo in Germany, they are struggling but hopefully tomorrow he will get to the KliniK for his treatment. 

I love you dad, thanks for listening again.   I miss you soooooo much!!!

 

Your daughter,

Barbara 

 

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Happy fathers day!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Happy fathers day!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Hard to believe this is the second fathers day without you and coming up on the anniversary of you leaving. I got most of your projects done now if I could just find the time and energy to do mine.  The house looks a lot different now. I couldn't figure out were to stop. There is still more that needs to be done. But them pesky budgets get in the way.

 I hope you wouldn't be upset with me but I gave the Chrysler away as a demo car. You always wanted to run in one, but couldn't because of your back. So for me I've dedicated it to you . Your final race!!! Well maybe not your final I'm sure your giving them a run for their money there too!

 I  guess Jim and Jerri are supposed to be down sometime this summer. Jerri is taking Jim to Germany for treatment. Hopefully it will work. I don't know if they will stop on their way back home or come back down later. I guess it will depend on how things go.

 I got in touch with Bobbie 3 months ago but have been unable to get ahold of her since. I left a couple of messages, but I'm not as stubborn as you so I'll let it go and try again in another month or two. Jim says he hasn't heard from her either. But no news is good news! I'm sure Myrna or someone would have gotten hold of Jim if something had happened.

 Well enough rambling, just stopped by to tell you happy fathers day and how much I love you. Talk at you later.

                                              Love, Carla

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Getting closer!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Getting closer!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well baby we're getting closer to getting some of the things done that you had been working on. The Bathroom is complete. Not the way you would have done it but its done. Tried to keep what you had already done but since no one knew what your plans were they changed it a quite a bit. The contractor is into using milk crates too. Someone stopped by and was giving him a hard time about them the other day and he was telling them about how that was my sink base. I told them that they had gotten rid of all my storage now. There is no where to place the towels.

 I probably got carried away and blew my budget but what the heck you can't take it with you. I started getting the front wall and window fixed (it's done!!!) Then I ended up getting all the windows replaced. I was going to skip getting the inside trim done for now. It's covered up with curtains, but I could hear you saying come on now your started do it right and finish it!!! Done! You didn't want the house painted again so its all wrapped and waiting for the siding. Pale yellow and brown trim, your favorite colors so I know you would approve. I splurged and got ceiling fans for me and plan on getting carpet for the living room. 

 Boy its easy to get carried away once you start you don't know were to quit.But I'm pulling in my horns once I get this done. Maybe when I get caught up on the bills again and find out were I'm at I'll get some more done.But whatever it is it can wait for now. At least I found someone who seems to be doing a good job and he's fast. He's not the most expensive and I doubt if he's the cheapest but you always said you get what you pay for. But you know that didn't always hold true either. So the girls at work really helped me shop around.

 Sweetheart, I surely do miss you!! It's not the big wrenching pain the it was but has settled down to a dull ache most of the time. As you can tell I still talk to you a lot and get advice. That's one of the big things I miss is that we always talked over what we were going to do and came to an agreement about how we wanted to do somethng. Now its all me but its still you to because I can hear you telling me what I need to do. Well baby I better go and get something done. Talk to you later. Love, Carla

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Hi Dad  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Hi Dad  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Nothing super fantastic to write, just wanted to tell you that I love you.   I laid in bed at 2am this morning thinking about you, then I realized that the tears were running down my face... this really IS hard knowing it is forever.  

I love you dad!!!

 

Barbara

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Sorry I didn't get ahold of you on your birthday!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Sorry I didn't get ahold of you on your birthday!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 I spent your birthday out spraying the weeds in the driveway and on the hill. Trying to get things caught up seems to be a losing battle. So I sprayed things really heavy. I could hear you telling me I was using too much. But I didn't want a repeat of last year. Thats why it looks so bad. Besides me not wanting to do anything. This year I'm a little more motivated. I managed to get Gigi paid down enough that I got a loan so I could get your bathroom finished as well as a few other things. Not having you here to take vacations with I'm putting money into the house. But I would really rather take the trips with you and to h--- with the house.

 I just heard from Arzetta that you got company. Sounds like your having your reunions there now. Tell Billie and Jettie Ann hi for me. I had been thinking about making a run to Crater Lake and stopping in to see her and Reno. But I didn't make it in time. I knew her health wasn't the best but it sounds like she had a great last day. Well baby I better go for now and tell everyone hi for me.  Oh I almost forgot I felt that you gave your approval for what repairs are going to be done at home. I had a dream that you and I were out shopping for the materials to do them. Then the dang telemarketers called and woke me up. This could get interesting with me working graveyard, but what the heck I've went without sleep before and I got permission to use the shower at work. The old moterhome might get some more use. since it would probably be easier to sleep in her than in the bedroom next to the construction site. Well baby I better go. I get so lonely and miss you so much. But I keep plugging along one day at a time.

                                         Love, Carla

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April 12th  / Jim Bell   Read >>
April 12th  / Jim Bell
I know that most people would think it's silly, but being the day between both our birthdays is hard for me, because that's the day we always got ahold of each other. So having a bit of a rough day today. Happy birthday a day late, I love you dad! Love Jim Close
Happy anniversary!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Happy anniversary!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Just thought I would stop and tell you happy anniversary. Not a day goes by I don't think of you and all the things we did together. Iknow you are telling me happy birthday as well. Things are going a little better without you here to discuss how we are going to tackle something.

 Just have to trust and go for the gusto as you would say. Even the house showed its unhappiness when you left by the cellar starting to slough and the whole house twisting in pain. I thought long and hard about what you would do and the only thing I could think of was to get a home loan. Hopefully I can get the bathroom you started remodeling done and some windows that almost cried themselves out of there sills fixed and a few other things. Depending on the cost. Just one thing at a time just like one day at a time without you. I love you always. Your wife and friend. Talk to you soon to let you know how things are going.  

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Missing you  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Missing you  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Dad, I miss you!!!!!  Every day!!!

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Made it through the holidays again!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Made it through the holidays again!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

Well I made it through the holidays again without you by my side. It's odd the holidays don't seem to bother me much. Probably because we never really celebrated them. We were always saving to take our vacations and I was normally working. But now that it is getting close to vacation time I'm feeling down in the dumps since we are not planning and looking forward to where we are going. It fell through last year of going to South Dakota with Bobbie and I'm not one who enjoys traveling alone. It didn't seem to bother you but then again you were not on a pleasure trip when you traveled alone.  I know when we took trips I always seemed to notice the people who were alone looking at the sights and had mentioned to you that it wouldn't be much fun without someone to enjoy it with. We always enjoyed our travels together so much!!!! And without you, it would not be as near as much fun. Without you I even turned down a trip to Mexico last year. One of the girls at work wanted me to go with her and her mother. They have a time share so I would have had a free place to stay  but without you there to laugh and share the experience with. Swimming with the dolphins wouldn't have  been near as much fun. I can almost see you standing on the deck pointing and laughing at me !!!

Hopefully your camera will work better than it did with the bears. I love and miss you. Hopefully I'll get some motivation to do something here before long. Without you it doesn't seem worth the effort.Well enough of the pity party but I miss and love you so much!!!!

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Year almost gone.  / Jim Bell (Son)  Read >>
Year almost gone.  / Jim Bell (Son)
Just sitting here, it's 3 in the morning, can't sleep. Thought I'd post on here. Nothing profound to say, nothing but the same old thing, miss you dad! Love Jim Close
Not a NASCAR race  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Not a NASCAR race  / Carla Bell (wife)

 This summer I found ot how much we worked like the NASCAR teams that you loved to watch. You were the pit crew that kept all the equipment up and running and the crew chief who planned how everything was to get done. I would show up 2 days a week on my days off and race around like crazy helping you get caught up with the field(yard work). Then when we would get to a point we were ahead of the race we were rewarded with to prize of being able to go take one of your road trips. I haven't been able to figure out the schedule yet to get it all done. The track has went to rack and ruin. Back when I worked days and you worked out of town I could seem keep it up. But now that I work nights and your not there to keep picking at everything constantly I'm falling behind the field.

 Maybe next year I'll be able to figure out a rhythm. Maybe you could come up with one of your plans and come whisper it to me in a dream. Any help would be appreciated and you were always so good at planning things out. Also figure out where we can go for a short vacation. Things fell through for going to South Dakota and I really don't want to go that far yet by myself. Its more fun to have someone with you even if its just in silence. Maybe that wouldn't work with everyone either but we had been together so long we didn't have to talk to know what the other was thinking at times. I know that used to freak you out when I knew what you were thinking. I never had that connection with anyone but you.

Well I better go for now. I love you sweetheart. Give some thought and get back to me.

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Summers end!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Summers end!!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Sorry its been awhile since I've been to visit even though I think of you and talk to you in my mind everyday which I'm sure you know. I just heard the other day when it feels like you have cobwebs brushing on you its because the spirit of a loved one is trying to stay close. I had never heard that before but now I know why I  have that cobwebby feel on my face and shoulders so often. Your still trying to tell me your here for me and love me.

 It is so hard to believe I have been without you for 2 Thanksgivings now. At least this year I could think of a few things to be thankful for. That we has a great trip before you left, that you didn't have to suffer as far as we know. The more I've read about what happens if you would have survived your surgery the more I understand you and God made the right decision. The chances of you having a reoccurance of cerebral bleed or a massive stroke would have been really high. If that had of happened you would not have been a happy camper. You loved going and doing to much. You were irritated enough that there some things you couldn't do after you broke your back and the breathing difficulties you had.

 I miss you and love you. I'm glad you check on me at times. Those days I am so lonesome for my friend and husband I feel the cobwebby touch of your hand on my face or arm I know you are still there close by trying to give me comfort.

                                            Love your wife and friend

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