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Snap!!! / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Snap!!! / Carla Bell (wife)

 

 Well we came to another anniversary. Yipee not!

I finally got around to hanging some of your favorite pictures the other day. Just a couple because Snap!!! I could see you at those times and others. The numbness is wearing off and I feel more like crying when I remember than I have before. Before I got comfort from seeing you. Now it hurts because I miss you so much.

 I hung the picture of you and the donkeys with there heads stuck through your car window. Snap!!! Then I could see you sitting on the couch laughing so hard the first time you seen it. You said " I can't remember when I've laughed so hard!" Then after that every time you saw it you whould chuckle. Thats why I made it my screen saver on my computer so that every time I turned it on if you happened to be in the house you would start laughing.

 Snap!!!Then I put up the picture of Denali that you liked so much. We normally went by there whenever we were in Alaska. And our luck was phenomenal in getting to see it. So then I could see you when we did the flyover. Sitting in the co-pilots seat with the snow covered mountains outlining you. I have a picure of that too but I don't need it to see you sitting there and looking around. We talked about that on our last trip. You said out of all our trips that had been the one thing you would always remember the best. It had been a highlight. I'm so glad that I had finally talked you into that. If we had been able to make more trips you wanted to fly through the Grand Canyon. It was a helicopter ride that you were really wanting to try next.

 I haven't gotten the picture of you at Crazy Horse up yet.But I will. Snap!!! I can see you sitting in the yard on Main street at the motel we stayed at in Custer watching the parade. I can see you sitting in the car on the other side of the tunnel with Mount Rushmore in the background on the needles highway waiting for me like you did so often while I was off taking pictures. I can see you having a fine time sliding through the mud when we turned off at Buffaloe Gap to go into the Badlands the back way. For some reason I didn't get a picture of you with the mustangs running beside us but I can still see it in my mind. You in profile driving with the horse beside us and behind you.

          Snap!! Snap!!! I can see you so many places and times. Even the times I didn't actually take a picture. I still have a lot of them in my head. I love and miss you baby and I have to go for now.

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No Regrets!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
No Regrets!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Hi Baby

 Sorry I don't seem to get a chance to visit with you much. Its not that I don't think of you and remember all our time together. I just thought I would let you know I have no regrets for us making each other the priority  in our lives. The time we spent together making memories. At a time like this thats all we have. Its much better to remember all the crazy things we did in our younger days and the places we seen and were lucky enough to go and see.

 I'm glad I argued with them at work to get the time off to spend together even though they thought we should fly so as to not take so much time off. If we had done it their way we would have missed so much and had less time together. Our travels to Alaska to see Jim and Karen and all the wonderful things in between. The times at the coast with visits to Bobbie and her family. Then the trips for just us. Your enjoyment of South Dakota and Arizona. I'm so glad we went to the top of Pikes Peak. One of the hilights of that trip for you!  I just wish I could have gotten pictures of the lightening bouncing from rock to rock as we made the trip up in a pouring rainstorm. The time we didn't realize the border was closed getting back into Canada so we drove 4 or 500 miles to let them know we were there and they threatened to lock us up. U told them they better make it quick because I had to get back to work! Just a few of the memories we forged together. I hope that it was you here instead of me these memories would give you as much comfort as me. I know we made the most of our life and lived it the fullest as far as our finances would allow and sometime more.

 You always thought I would regret not having children since you could not have any more. But you loaned me two or yours that have been a great comfort. If it hadn't been for them I don't know if I would have survived your leaving. So I have no regrets on that score either.

 I'm glad that we took the time to do all these things together instead of letting the everyday things rule our lives. I'm trying to catch some of the things we let slide now . I miss your knowledge of how to do all of the things that need to be done. But some of it will get done one way or another. Its no fun to travel alone which we discussed many times. You were much better at it than me. You always said if I left first thats what you would do. Was sell everything and hit the road!  But thats just not my way. So here I sit holding on to the memories and reminescing about all the the things we did.

 I love you  and miss all the time and things we did together.

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Made it through the holidays  / Jim Bell (son)  Read >>
Made it through the holidays  / Jim Bell (son)
Talked to Carla on Christmas morning and to Bobbi the day after not for long she was at work and was going to call back that evening but she must have gotten busy. Broke my thumb trying to make a present for Karen a piece of wood kicked back out of my table saw and my thumb got in the way so I haven't finished that yet will have it do in a couple days. Missed talking to you about it all you would have told me that I shouldn't have had my thumb in the way. lol Had a fairly quiet Christmas Jerry came over he's been out of work so he felt bad he couldn't do anything We didn't decorate didn't even have a tree but we were thankful that we were able to be together for another Christmas. New Years we stayed home Anchorage made it legal to set of fireworks this years so the whole neighborhood had fireworks going off. Got to see a very nice show without having to leave home. Missing you! Love Jim Close
It's a new year.  / Barbara Fann   Read >>
It's a new year.  / Barbara Fann

I sat down the other night and tried to think of what I needed to have for my New Years Resolutions... I only came up with one this year ... Oh yea I know the losing weight thing is always one but this year I am going to truly try to be kinder and more like you.    I think back at all of the times that you would say "Now honey" and give me a little fatherly advice ... or just say something to make me think.  Well Dad I still hear you in my heart.  

It has been strange in a way that I really can't explain for the past two months; I have to fight very hard to be kind; I just feel angry inside and I don't have the patience that I used to have.   But that will be the one thing that I truly work on ... for you!!!  I know that this is what you would want me to do. 

I wish I knew that you were watching over me I feel it sometimes but I wonder if that is because I want to ... if you can only watch over a couple of us make it Carla and Bo ... just please come visit me in my dreams sometime soon.  Please.

 

I love you and miss you so very much!!!!

 

YOUR DAUGHTER

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New Year  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
New Year  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well Baby we made it to a new year without you. Its been a little over 6 months now. Still find it hard to beleive your not here. Especially when I look at some pictures of you. I instantly go back to the day a lot of them were taken and not just our last trip. I have you on the bike at Sturgis as my computer picture. I see you checking out the bike and clowning around. I was a little concerned the bike would tip over and get broke and since it was a sculpture and not an actual bike... well!! We went on to Devils Tower that day and had a wonderful time. As we normally did. I'm so thankful that we did our last trip in just a few days before you left.

 I just got off working 9 days in a row with some overtime thrown in. So I'm a little tardy getting here to say Happy New Year!!! I did think of you a lot on New Years eve though. We had a gentleman come into ER that night that was taking blood thinners and had taken a fall and hit his head. As I talked to his wife and received some of his symptoms I figured he had a hematoma on his brain also. Duh!! No brainer I was right. As far as I know he is in ICU.

 Then I had been thinking for several days of a New Years 34 years ago. I had spent the day making new signs for work since our prices were going up on New Years. I had taken them down to the shop that evening. Even though I wasn't there very long a snow storm had came through and I didn't know if I was going to get home. I tried winding my way up the hill and take the levelest way but I misjudged and came out on the middle of a steep grade. I didn't want to go down so I headed up. The back end of the car slid over into the curb so I used that and the sides of the tires to get up the hill sideways. Turn into the skid kept running through my mind. In the meantime you were in Spokane and had went and picked up Jim. Then you boys came through a blizzard to get down to me. You wanted to be here by midnight but was a little late since you had slid off the road somewhere between here and there. Then when you did get here you proposed to me with Jim as witness!!! I guess that was your way of letting me know some of your family approved.

 We had a good run of New Years until this one. Hopefully they will start getting better for the rest of us before long. Several of the girls at work got engaged on Christmas eve and I hope they have as good a time as we did for as long and beyond. We love you sweetheart!! And know you are still watching out for us even though I haven't seen you since Bobbie and I let you go in my dream.

 I'm remembering our final evening of vacation now. We were at Bandon and we were always trying to get a good picture of a sunset so we sat and talked for several hours waiting for the sun to go down. It was a dud! But we did have that final time together before our final trip together was over and I am thankful.

                      Love your wife

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Christmas without you  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Christmas without you  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Merry Christmas Dad I hope you have a wonderful feast in heaven.   I could go on and on tonight about how I miss you but you already know that.   I have had several melt downs over the past two months; just don't seem to be coping as well as I was.  I have been working sooooo hard since September so that has helped some. 

All I want for Christmas is to have more time with you... and since I don't believe in Santa I will just have to wait until I get to come to you.  

I haven't been able to talk to Carla as much as I did because of my horrible work schedule but it should start slowing down now. 

I love you dad; this Christmas I will take the time to be thankful for all of the wonderful past Christmas's that we had. 

Please send a miracle Bo's way ... he needs a miracle the most.

.... And our wonderful Carla :)

 

I Love you!!!!  And I miss you!!!

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Thinking of you!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Thinking of you!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 It has been an odd winter. Seeing a quite a few guys coming in with their heads shaved for some reason. Seems like the wrong time of year to me. Remembering how you used to let your hair and beard grow in the winter and then even wear a stocking cap. Normally yellow and brown being your favorite colors. Then some early spring morning I would wake up the the light glaring off of you head! Some time during the night you must have gotten hot or something and away went the hair every strand on your head and face!! Sometimes you jumped the gun and we would get another cold snap to remind you winter wasn't over and all I could do was laugh at you. In later years you quite doing that because you weren't working construction any more. Then you explained to me why you had shaved in the spring. The places you worked normally had stuff in the air like sulferic acid and such and it would get in your beard especially and break you out.

 Then to think the last time we seen you you had your head shaved but not for spring but for the craniotomy that was supposed to save you. Well baby it was already growing back even in the short time between then and when we said good by. I was rubbing your head as you passed. Hoping you would think of your dad coming to meet you. You had always sat on the floor at his feet in the evenings so he would or could rub your head as you listened to the radio. I hope it eased the way. We love you and miss you baby.

 Well I better go. Talk more to you later. 

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Change / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Change / Carla Bell (wife)

 Hi sweetheart

 Trying to find the energy to do a few things around here. Seems like I'm always tired and can't seem to get done what I want too.  That might be a good thing. I don't want to change things too much. That would be like erasing signs of you. I did finally take down your tv tray a couple of days ago. I've been cleaning out the fridge and getting it all washed down then i need to go get some shopping done. The outside kids have been talking since yesterday. They are out of groceries. So I shared Kaycee's but she is about out now too so I can't put it off any longer. I need to take GeeGee up and get her tires pumped up. I'm amazed we could even drive any where before they came up with all this stuff to tell you you're tires are getting low windshield wiper fluid low etc. I wonder now how many miles we drove with flat tires because they looked fine. And it must have rained more in the old days since we seemed to somehow know when we were out of washer fluid.

 I talked to Jim the other day. He was coming up with an alternative to what he was doing for his cancer. I remember you saying you wondered if the guy that was supplying him with his iv supplies was running a scam. Sounds like you were right again. Thats one of the reasons it was losing its effectiveness. Hope the new plan works as well if not better than the last before the scamming began. It was working pretty well before that.

 I got a Christmas card from Jetty Ann and her family the other day. I guess Buzzie is in the beginning stages of Parkinsons. He said" better at 68 than 38. " Look at how long Michael J Fox has had it and I seen him in a new show the other day.

 Sorry I don't stop in to visit as much. I miss you here doing what you could do which was a lot more than you thought. I have a plan to get some work done on the house this spring. It can't be put off much longer. I know you had some plans but I always left that stuff up to you. Hope your idea of getting me some credit established works the way I hope.  We need to get some work on the foundation done and hopefully some siding if not paint will have to do along with a couple of windows.

 Bobbie and Bill are still talking about going to South Dakota with me next spring. There is also talk of Jimmy coming up and going with us. Meibe we will be there on your anniversary. If we can't be in Alaska it might as well be some where else you really liked. Bill wants to go to Yellowstone too. He has never been there. I don't remember if you and the kids had been there before or not. It seems to me the first time you were there was with me when we went up tp Glacier and down through Yellowstone  on our first trip in the 80's.

 Well Baby I have things to do and I'm not getting them done. I probably won't any way. But I'll try to get a little of it done. Anything is better than nothing.

 

                       Love you think of you all the time. Seen you standing and laughing somewhere outside the other day. 

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Remembrance / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Remembrance / Carla Bell (wife)

 Finally getting around to putting in a few more pictures. Then I remember some of the stories you told me over the years. I can't always remember all the details. But some of the pictures remind me of the basics.

 The picture of your dad and you farming with the family tractor. You always drove the tractor and figured you had the best part of the deal even though the diesel fumes would burn your nose and kick up you bronchitis. Then the truck you bought from one of the neighbors. Seems to me you did chores for it but after you got it you dolled it all up. Just like you always did.

 The pictures of Pal your dog that you had gotten when you were a small child. He was still on the farm when you moved and started your own family. At 17 one of the neighbors ran over him as he was going up the main road past the farm. By this time he couldn't hear them coming and hadn't moved. The neighbor couldn't get stopped until it was to late since it was in the winter. But everyone on Rock Creek had known Pal so the guy packed him up tp the house. With tears in his eyes he told your folks what had happened.

 Then the pictures of you with your sled reminded me of when you became a teen-ager you decided to build your own skis. Everything was going great until you hit a bare patch as you came skiing down the hill at the back of the house. The skis stopped but you didn't! Of course you didn't have automatic releases for your skis so you dislocated both of your knees. That removed you from ever playing sports which you wanted to do being an active boy.

 Seeing you driving the tractor also reminded  of the time you were out skidding logs and pulled a widowmaker down on you. When you came to you was limbing the side of the tree with you head. The Cat was still running and slowly working its way out of the tree that had came down. I'm suprised you didn't do more serious damage that time. But you did have a ridge that would catch your come where you had crushed your outter skull.

 I remember a lot of other things too but that can come another day. I'm sure Bobbie will remember the Christmas pictures at you folks. Since it is getting close to Christmas I had found some pictures of you growing up in the winter so they are there.

 I love you Baby talk to you later.

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Blindsided / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Blindsided / Carla Bell (wife)

 I thought things were getting better but I didn't realize how much I wall myself in until last night. One of the girls at work asked me how you were doing. Boy! that band aide got ripped off with all the hair. Kind of like when you gave Wayne the back rub and twisted all the hair on his back into knots. He was alright until he went to move. Then everything began pulling loose. Instant pain as I had to tell her you were gone. She took me by surprise because she's normally so self centered I certainly wasn't exspecting her to  ask such a question.

 Then a couple of days before the anniversary of your leaving. I dreamed we were at Bobbie's house and were coming down the stairs when you asked me for a chair. We managed to get you laid down on the couch. It was as if we knew the time had came to say good-bye. Like we had known for awhile that you had something fatal. The dream team was there by your side again. Bobbie was at your head and I was by your side holding your hand. We told you we knew it was time to let go and quite fighting. This time I had a chance to kiss you and say good-bye.

 I must have been making noises in my sleep because about that time Kaycee landed in the middle of me and instantly curled around my head as she put her paw in my hand and began licking my eyes. Meibe you sent her to me to help take my mind off the hurt. Because she is a definately a distraction. Then beleive this or not one of the little wild cats has moved in under the bed but it is getting bolder everyday. It is sitting on the computer desk watching me type this. 

 I talk about you to a lot of people. It keeps you alive to me. I pretend your still home waiting for me as I tell little stories of our life. The good as well as the bad because it is all apart of us. I love you baby. Sorry I didn't get here sooner but hopefully I will get the code in right this time so it doesn't erase like it did last time and I just haven't made time to redo it.

 I love you and miss you!!! I will talk to you again later.

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Another anniversary  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Another anniversary  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Well Dad it has been 5 months tonight.  I was in town today and was watching all of the people hustling around me ... I found myself thinking "they don't know that this is just another sad day" ... and maybe for them it isn't sad.  

I talked to Carla today and neither one of us mentioned the day; yet I know that we were both thinking about it.  She has been eating the thanksgiving dinner that she made for both of you ... what a sad thing.   She misses you terribly and I truly don't hear the happy in her voice anymore even when she laughs.  

I hold you in my heart just as I held your hand ... wish I could go back a year and know that it was going to be the last holiday that we were going to have with you here with us.  

There is nothing happy to say today and I don't seem to be able to be happy with just the thoughts and memories... maybe with time that will come back.

I love you dad and I miss you terribly!!!!!   I will focus hard on the family that I do have here and try to live it so that there are no more regrets. 

Wish you could come visit me in a dream.

Your daughter.  

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Made it  / Barbara (Daughter)  Read >>
Made it  / Barbara (Daughter)

Well Dad it is two o'clock in the morning and I am setting here thinking about you.  We all made it through the Thanksgiving holiday; it was not an easy one and I just kind of withdrew into myself ... you know I always do that when it is the most painful.   I had to work so that helped ... didn't know that they were going to make me work as long as I did ... I ended up working 23 hours straight ... did 16 pretty good but the last 7 I think I got the strength from you ... dad how am I going to make it through not ever going to be able to talk to you or hug you????   And yet I am ashamed of myself because I know that Carla has it much worse than I do and she still is gentle kind and loving.  I can't even imagine how her heart is hurting. 

I guess that we just have to be thankful that we had someone so wonderful in our lives ... otherwise we wouldn't miss you so.  

Dad you made such an impact on my life I hope you know that.

I love you and I miss you what seems to be more every day. 

Still your little girl

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Holiday / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Holiday / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well baby I made it through a holiday without you. I offered to work so I wouldn't be home alone with the cats. The fact that we never made too big of a deal over the holidays seemed to help. I thought of you as I fixed a turkey and made the worse dressing of my  life. 

 I like Bobbie wondered what there was to be thankful for this year. Between loosing you and the last of my brothers it wasn't that good of a year. But i'm thankful for Bobbie Jim and Bill. They all made a point of getting hold of me to see how I am doing. Then one of the girls at work was thoughtful enough to invite me to her place to be with her friends and family. Of course I declined. You remember how I never liked going to gatherings without you. I can feel so alone even in a crowd You were actually the only one there for me so we were having our own party within a party. Then Rick and Lynn invited me to their place but I had to go to work. That was as good a reason as any not to go.

 But I'm thankful for all the years that we did have. The fact that you were still able to do a lot of the things we wanted to do. I guess you can't ask for more than that. To not suffer when it is time to go and the fact you can enjoy the time you had. I love you baby and miss you. I'll talk to you again later. And I'm the most thankful that I had you!!! 

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Thanksgiving this year  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Thanksgiving this year  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Well Dad it is Thanksgiving Day ... I was thinking that without you here there isn't much to be thankful for ... then I stopped and turned it around.   The fact that I miss you so much is because I am thankful that I HAD you in my life ... that you were so wonderful ... that you are MY DAD.   I know that there is a lot to be thankful for and I have thanked God and my children for the blessings that I have.  I just miss you!!!!

I wish that I could have made it over to see Carla for this first Thanksgiving after you left but as life goes I have to work ... and the  weather is horrible.  I promise I will call her.  Like she said we can do Thanksgiving when we go over in the spring.  

I miss you dad!!!!!   Thank you for loving me with a love that was seemingly blind; one that always made me feel perfect.  Thank you for teaching me that there is good in everyone and that life is what we make it.  Thank you for giving me a good start on becoming like you.  

I love you and miss you more every day .... people aren't telling the truth when they say that it gets easier ... it doesn't.   Just lonelier!!!!

Happy  Thanksgiving; I hope you are having a special meal in heaven. 

Your daughter. 

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Consideration! / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Consideration! / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well Baby

 Its almost impossible to beleive its been almost five months since you left. We're making it but it hasn't been easy. With the holidays coming I can hear you telling me not to bother with a big meal just for the two of us. I know you aren't fond of turkey but I got one anyway and of course I have enough dressing bread dried out to feed the neighborhood. Sorry but you always understood I couldn't make a small batch of anything. I guess I can freeze it and have enough for all year. Or have some when Bobbie and Bill make it over next summer. Thinking of fixing your beets and some scalloped potatoes with the bacon in them and of course I had already collected the fruit salad fixins before you left so I could pick them up on sale. If the outside cats were being nicer to Kaycee they might of had a good Thanksgiving. But they don't seem to realize this is her house and its because of her they are still getting fed.

 It looks like its going to be one of those winters were you would be coming to work to drive me to my car. We were already getting snow here a couple of days ago. I can't remember ever having snow down here before Thanksgiving. Its suppose to get down to eleven below zero here tomorrow night then start snowing for real in a couple of days. You normally came to work to get me and drive me to my car when it got like it seems its going to this year. When I got off work. You were always afraid I was going to fall. The other girls always said aaaah!!! and thought that was so sweet. You never seemed to realize how much I appreciated all the things that showed you cared and worried about me. I did the same for you when you would let me. I'm sorry I seemed angry when I was trying to help you in later years but you seemed to accept that better because you were trying to calm me down than you would if I tried to baby you like I used to. When I babied you as you called it you would get mad so I beat you to the punch in later years by getting upset first. At the end I wasn't upset just scared. I regret I couldn't be stronger for you.

 I would have had Thanksgiving off this year but what is the point without you here to enjoy it with. So I volunteered so someone else could spend time with thier family. I'll have our Thanksgiving when Bobbie and Bill and maybe Jimmie take a trip down memory lane to show them one of the places you really enjoyed. The plan is to go to South Dakota and see Crazy Horse for you next Juni. It will seem strange being somewhere that we spent so much quility time without you. But hopefully it will be bittesweet to show them the places you were fascinated by.

 Well baby I better go before I get maudlin. I love you and remember you and all the things we did together and the things you did for me. I hope you know how much you are missed.

                                                      Love your best friend and wife

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Dreaming / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Dreaming / Carla Bell (wife)

 I dreamed of you the other day. We were sitting in what appeared to be a church. I reached out for your hand with joy in my heart as I spoke to you. But I couldn't reach you and you couldn't hear me. You looked so sad.

 You looked a little different. I never seen you with black hair. You looked a little pale but that might have been from the black hair. And you sat and walked like before you hurt your back. Tall and proud but so alone. Then as you walked out of sight I heard you say I'll talk to you later but I don't know if it was me or someone else since I couldn't see you then.

 Hopefully you'll be back when you can see and talk to me. I love you and I will see you later.

                                             Holding out my hand and waiting for your touch Carla

                                                      

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Hurting! / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Hurting! / Carla Bell (wife)

 I talked to Bobbie the other night. She thinks people are lying to her about things getting easier with time after losing someone you love. I had to tell her things were getting easier for me. But I didn't explain the part that is easier. Is that I don't feel that my heart is being ripped apart now. I physicall felt the pain of my heart being sqeeezed to nothing for several months after you leaving. Now there is just an empty spot  But the physical pain is not there. I still miss you terrible Especially if I give myself time to think and look at you. I was looking at you at the painted desert this morning. Looking forward to what the rest of the day would bring. As tears flowed down my cheeks I remembered part of that trip. How you didn't beleive there was that much red rock in the world. We covered a lot of Arizona and Utah that year. 

 I can't tell her things will get any easier when she thinks of you. Because I still miss my mom. And I was only with her maybe twelve years out of 19. I was with you almost 3 times that long. I still think of you all the time and what we would have done if we had had more time. But we need to be thankful for the time we did have.

 I miss you being here to tellme "Momma needs a hug." and your giving me one. I can remember a hanful of times I did the same for you. We hadn't been together very long when your mother passed. I was at the hospital with you when it did. You came back out to the lobby and fell to your knees putting your head in my lap and crying. Then when your dad left I figured it would be really bad since you were so close. But the only time we came close to losing it was when we were going out Rock Creek to get to the cemetary above the home place when I mentioned how appropriate the song was that they had played at the services Take Me Home Country Roads. I couldn't hug you then since you were driveing but we did hold hands.

 Then the time your T-bird that you had wanted so bad caught on fire and burned up. There was a fitting on the carburator that had came loose and was leaking gas when it hit the manifold it ignited. when I got there to pick you up you were looking so forlorn. Then I told you" Your the only person I know that can leave with a T-bird and come home with a Firebird!!" You had to laugh even though it wasn't a  funny situation.

 The last time I gave you a hug was the night before you went to surgery. You were hugging me and telling me how scared you were. I failed you because I couldn't give you the comfort you needed. All I could do was cling to you and tell you "So am I."  Meibe if I had told you everything woud be alright it would have gave you the faith to have made it. I regret that and thats one of the times my being honesty might have been a bad thing. But then again you knew me too well to not know when I was was lying so it probably didn't change anything. But we always look at the dark side.

 Please give Bobbie a hug even if its only in her dreams. She knows you love and look over her but she needs the reassuance of feeling you presence. I have the comfort of that occasionaly. I fel you pulling on the covers the other night as if to ask what are you doing on my side of the bed?? That was the first time that I had slept on that side. But I had been cleaning out the closet and didn't want to move everything off my side so I had laid down on yours. I had my back to the edge and was still awake when I could feel something tugging on the blankets like they were getting ready to come to bed. I know it was you . Smiling down and asking me what I thought I was doing.

  We love and miss you baby well will talk to you again later/ Please give Bobbie the hug she needs.

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Thank you!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Thank you!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well Baby thanks to you I finally came up with a name for our wild child. You were alwas coming up with desciptions for our other cats. Like orange cat which I turned into Okie and darned ugly cat which became Duck. I've decided on KC for this one. She is a krazy cat. After she has been here all night by herself when I am at work. She is literally bouncing off the walls. When  I'm here with her all night she goes wild when she gets up for several hours. Just a little bit ago she was using your tv tray like uneven parallel bars. As she is hanging onto the bottom brace with her front feet and spinning circles on it. I've been letting her outside for a little bit in the mornings and at night before I go to work in the hopes of calming her down. So far it doesn't seem to help. I'm going to try to get her fixed before long then maybe I can show her how to use you pet door. You would be cursing her with gusto just like you id Amy even though you wouldn't be able to resist her charm.

 She's not you but it helps to have something here that misses me when I'm gone. And she treats me like her mother. Well sweetheart I'm missing you terribly. The weather is getting bad enough there is a lot of things I need to do that I don.t like to do when the weather is damp and I can't leave the doors open I got the paint for the bedroom. But none on the walls. But if I keep getting a few things every payday I should have plenty to keep me busy next spring. Hving time to sit gives more time to think and look at the pictures of you. I found some more pictures of when you were a kid the other day but haven't gotten them scanned in yet.

 Oh you won;t beleive this either!! Dortha go in touch with me the other day and offered me you dad's cedar chest! After all this time of you wanting it then she offers after you gone. So I need to find time to go up and get it too. She said there was some other things also. I have no clue what. But I know you will be happy to get your dad's chest home.

 Well baby I better go. I'll talk to you again later. I love you and miss you terribly. I keep reliving our last trip and seeing you and hearing what you had to say. I love you and miss you!!!

                                                                   Your best friend and wife Carla

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Just like arms ...  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Just like arms ...  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Dad

I don't understand everything about the afterlife but somehow in my heart (and maybe it is because it is what I want to believe) I believe that you see what we are writing.  It helps to put my thoughts into words...

I have so very many memories of you; when it is quiet I find myself thinking trying very hard to remember one more thing.  It has truly made me realize more than ever how everything that we do in life creates a memory good or bad ... yet another learning experience. 

Yet when it comes down to what my favorite memory is it always goes back to one thing ... your touch!  And as I look at pictures of you it seems that pretty much everyone felt the same ... they always touched you or you touched them.   It is strange how sometimes when things seem rougher than other times I feel your touch your strength and your love.  I read Carla's and Bo's posts and know that they feel the same ... Carla through hearing you tell her something and Bo through remembering conversations.  You didn't have wealth or fame but what you had was far more valuable; you had and gave love ... and you still do.   I only hope that you know what an amazing man you have been!!!! 

The times that hurt the most are the times that I stop and let myself think that this truly will be forever... until I can once again feel your touch in heaven.  For now, memories of you are the arms that once protected me.

I have something that a lot of girls don't have I have the knowledge that my daddy truly loved me ... that no matter what I did, I was still special.  Thank you dad for that ... I know that I was not  perfect yet somehow you always made me feel as though I was.   You are amazing!!!!

I miss you more and more each day. 

I have done something to try to help those that you have left behind ... I hope you are proud of me and know that I have done it out of love for you and them!  I know that you know what I am talking about.   I worked hard and am happy with the result ... are you?    I think so.  :)

With this I close this ... just know I love you more and more with every breath I take ... and in the moments that take my breath away. 

I truly miss you!!!!

Barbara

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Just me  / Jim Bell (Son)  Read >>
Just me  / Jim Bell (Son)

Well was sitting watching the truck race Sat. with Jerry (which doesn't happen often) and was talking about how the race was going. Told him dad hated the fact that Toyota had come in and dominated the truck races then a little late how you didn't care for Tod Bodine. Then Sunday was watching the drags started thinking about how I sure wish I could call you and talk about the race. Then this morning I came on here and was reading the different posts by Carla and Bobbi Bobbi was talking about the night that I got down there. I was really hoping that you would open your eyes but it wasn't to be but I'm sure you knew I was there. I miss our talks. Was reading 1 of Carla's posts and understand your frustration about not being able to do things like you used to. I'm in the middle of a project right now and get very frustrated that I have to do a little then recoupe. I am cutting some 15+ ft. pews down to 7ft. 3in. and make them look like they were made that way it's a taking me forever but I'll get it done. Well gotta go sure do miss you!!!!

Love you dad

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