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Fall / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Fall / Carla Bell (wife)

 Looking out the window the fall colors are glowing in the dark. The bright yellow that you loved lighting up the night. I heard you last week wanting to go for a ride so I could take pictures. You always wanted to be on the go not matter what the time of year but I think you enjoyed the fall and spring the most.

 In prior years we've made runs to Spokane to go to Manitou park.  Remember the gorgeous pictures we got in the Japenese garden? Last year we made a run to Moscow and went to the Arboretum. It being so new it isn't quite up to its full potential yet. But it was still pretty. The older part of the campus has some beautiful fall trees though. Then we ran back down to Orofino. One of my favorites is with the old mill and the fall trees behind it.

 We were always going to go back to Maine and the other northeast states during the fall but we never made it. Something always came up. But we had always heard how beautiful it was and wanted to go. I figured maybe we would have done that next year if I could have gotten off work long enough but something would have probably happened tp prevent it. We just weren't meant to get there. so maybe whatever we imagine in our minds is even better than it really  is. So this way we won't be disappointed. I know I would have handled   that disappointment  better than the fact you not here to enjoy anyplace with me anymore. Everyone that looks at your pictures mentions how much country that we had seen. They don't even know since they are only seeing just a few. But we did see the inside passage in the fall and I don't think Maine could have been any more spectacular than it was.

 The colors were just starting to turn in the mountains when I went over to see Bobbie awhile back . I thought of you and how you would have been stopping. I didn't bother my heart wasn't in it without you . Even though I could hear you telling me "that would make a great picture."

                                                    Love you Carla

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Little things maybe not  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Little things maybe not  / Carla Bell (wife)

Well its been four months since you left. It's still hard to beleive that your not coming home. I have you here and in my heart but its not the same thing. I miss not having you here to meet me in the mornings with a greeting and a hug and kiss. Wondering how my night went. Then you standing in the door to say good-bye and wave  when I leave for work. Even after all the years we were together you never took me for granted and showed it in little ways. The fact you would make a point to get up in the morning to say hello and stay up at night to say good-bye.

 I went out and stared to take down the tomato cages and get the garden cleaned up. I knew you had sat out there for a week on your milk crate staking and tying up the plants after you planted them. I offered to help because I could do it so much faster but you said you had more time than money and you could do  it. I tried to get other things caught up so you wouldn't be worried about trying to get it done before we went on vacation. So I hadn't paid any attention to what you had done as far as caging the tomatoes. Well we could have had a hurrican and they would have still been ther when we got back. You had put pvc pipe as stakes on each side of the cages and hammered them about six inches into the ground. Then used your plastic tie to secure the cages to the stakes. Needless to say I didn't get it al done.

 I have someone coming to blow out your sprinker system for the front yard and the enbankment to. It was one of those things you knew how to do but when I asked you to show me how you would try to do it after I went to bed or get up before I came home and do it. You took pleasure in the fact there were things you knew how to do that I didn't. I understand it made you feel needed. Which you were even if you hadn't done these things. You always kept tring to maintain whatever you could still do. You always said you didn't have patience. but ho about the summer you decided to put in your underground sprinkler in. You couldn't use a shovel like you used to because of your back but you sat on you milk crate form months digging the trench for the sprinkler with a screwdriver and a garden trowel. That was we could save the money it would cost to have had installed for our vacation.

 Then I went to run some errands in Big Dog and he decided to bring back memories too. Remember when we were in the redwoods a few years ago. We had stopped to ride the gondola through the canopy of the trees. Then when we came back out to leave Big Dog decided he wasn't ready to go yet. And he wouldn't move. Well I was backing out of the driveway when he got partway ou and decided he didn't want to leave home. I just remembered what you did and played with him a couple of minutes and away we went with no more problems.

 We had so many things to do with cars that if I follow your lead I should never panic. The time the Ranchero's distributor cap filled up with water in mid Juli and died on me going onto the Memorial Bridge. I got a push to the other side then walked home and waited for you to get off work. It didn't take you long to figure out was wrong even though you never could figure ou why. The distributor cap was lackig a vent hole but why wait till Juli to pull a stunt like that? Then the time both valve covers blew off  at the same time. You thought you had kille me since I had my head under the hood looking when it blew. But when the smoke cleared you discovered it had enough force it had blown me back against the house. I couldn't hear for about 2 hours. but you had the destinction of knowing somebody that had seen something like that happen. You finally found one guy that had even heard of it happening before. Then the time we were going to Bobbie Jo's when she lived in Texas. Somewhere in Wyoming the oil pressure started acting funky. It would drop like a rock then come up some for awhile then drop again. We continued on our merry way to Minden Nebraska then dropped down through the tornadoes in Kansas and continued onto Texas. When we left down there I had been wanting to see Carlsbad Caverns since I was a kid. So we went to western Texas and I showed you wer I went to first grade then onto Carlsbad Caverns. Turned out I had only lived fifty miles from there when I was a kid. Then with oil pressure still acting up we headed home. But we had talked about going to Bryce Canyon again since you hadn't been feeling well the last time we were there. I was willing to forgo that and get on home but not you. It was worth the trip  Bryce Canyon still had some snow on it. The contrast between the red rock and the snow if beautiful. When we finally got home and you took it to Orofino to get it worked on it turned out it was only the sending unit. But it sure kept us on our toes the majority of the trip.

 Then the time the thermostat went out in Tok Alaska. You did stop to get that worked on but all they did was laugh at you for thinking they would have the part for a V-10.So what are you going to do. You left the radiator cap loose and we drove 2300 miles home. Then when you took it to the shop they informed you that you couldn't have run it that far because there is a sensor that will turn off the motor after so long if you try to run it that way. thank goodness that sensor wasn't  working either.

 I went out and started Old Yellow too. He hadn't been started since you left. I could hear you telling me to only floor the gas once to set the choke. Then don't touch it again. Well I had to do that twice. But then he fired right up and didn't even die on me. I need to get him some gas and put some of your Seafoam in it as well as stabilizer. I don't want him sitting all winter on empty. Then if I can get enough nerve I need to take him out to the dump with a load. Don't get excited its only real trash. The sink you took out of the bathroom and some yard wast. I know you probably had plan for the old sink but since I don't know what they are its going. Sorry!!

 You used to get so down because you thought you weren't doing your share around the house. Then get irritated because it took you longer than it used to to get things done. You didn't stop to realize between a few physical things you wer also working on a shoestring budget and doing things the hard way in order to save money for the trips we so enjoyed when I could get off work. You did get in over your head trying to redo the bathroom but it will get done eventually. But you were to proud to get help. The morning I came home from work and you were sitting on the couch looking  so pathetic. Like you were wearing baseball mitts. The mastic you were using on the tub surround dried a little quicker than you were expecting and it didn' spread near as easy as you thought it would. Then your oxygen tubing had gotten into the mix and you had no idea how to get it off.  I had to laugh but you didn't see the humor . I should have taken a picture you would have gotten a kick out of it later. Youd id when I took pictures as we were being towed by the tow truck in the motorhome and you hadn't thought that was funny at the time either. I went and got some mineral spirits so we could get you cleaned up.

 The only thing that irritated me about your stubborness was I had got you to get mask to wear for when you were sawing or using glues abd such. But would you wear them. NO!!! But you weren't stubborn just determined.

 Well baby I hope you realize how much you did and still do guiding me through each day. I know I still rake backwards and fish upside down but something we just have to do our own way. I know Bobbie still talks to you and gets advice from past converstaions just like I do. We remember you everyday and love you deeply. Well baby I have to go take care of some of those little things you were always doing or try to find someone who works cheap. to do those little things you wouldn't teach me to do. I know you thought I did too much as it was. But to much is never enough when you care and love someone as you should well know since you did more than your share.

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You took the fear  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
You took the fear  / Carla Bell (wife)

   I used to be so afraid to be alone a night I always felt so vulnerable and helpless in sleep. But now that I have faced my worst fear in losing you. It no longer matters. What is the worst that can happen? That I would get to come and see you. That is nothing to be afraid of. Now I go to bed and turn my back on the door and drift off without a thought of  who might be trying to get in. In sleep i hope to see you but you took the dreams with you too.

 Worry was always my strong suit and I always worried about something happening to you. Like when we were going together and you and the guys had talked about a job that you had to do the next day and what could happen if there was a lightening storm and if it happened to hit the boom. Well of course the next day there was a storm. And you didn't call of come home like normal. That was one of the few times I ever called every place I could think of looking for you. I ended up calling one of the guys you worked with Ozzie to see if something had happened at work. Boy were you mad when you found out. that was our first fight! But after that you always let me know where you were.

 Then I was right behind you when you had 2 wrecks. The one time I was in front of you and you didn't show up. so I went back looking for you. A tie rod had broke on the pick-up that I normally drove and sent the truck airborn and right into the access road across the creek. the only thing that saved you was all the brush that cushioned the impact. Totaled the 4 wheel drive truck though. You were even protecting me then. You had just happened to show up at work that afternoon and wanted to trade rigs or it would have been me.

 Then the time the crane blew up with you and Kenny on it. You managed to through Kenny clear but you stayed on board to lock everything down so no one else would get hurt. It exploded just as you jumped! Got hot enough to cook  your leather shoes and singe your hair!

 The more I think about it I guess I didn't worry needlessly. You gave me reason to.

 Well baby. If this goes through I'll try to get my other letter on when I get home. I did learn enough to copy them before submitting.

                                                 Love you and miss you always  

                                                         Your wife Carla        

  

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It's here  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
It's here  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Four months ago just about now Bo arrived at the hospital from Alaska.  I vividly remember hearing his voice say "Dad I'm here" and saw his eyes searching your face for any sign that you realized that he was there ... I know that you knew ... I know you did!!!   Then two hours later you quietly went to be with Jesus.   I still feel my hand in yours and I remember the looks on everyones face ... it is all so vivid!

But I hear your voice in my mind and feel your love in my heart... I know that you want me to be strong courageous and kind.  You want me to give and receive love just as I did when you were here ... and I still hear a small voice saying "now Bobbi Jo" when I am doing something that I know that I shouldn't.   You are with us still even though we can't see you. 

I love you time will not diminish that ... I still miss you time will only make that grow stronger.  I still admire you and that too will remain unscathed by everything. 

You mean the world to me!!! 

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Four months  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Four months  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

It is coming up on a third of a year ... seems like yesterday and seems like so much longer.  I find myself withdrawing recently maybe that is one of the things that you naturally go through.  I keep listening to your voice on the video from the reunion... it will be the calming voice that I will forever hear in my mind. 

Have a few things going on right now in my life that are not as comfortable as at other times; would love to be able to pick the pone up ... but I will just have to rely on all of the advice that you gave me in the past.  I miss you dad; this isn't getting any easier in fact some days it feels as though I am caught in some horrible time warp.  

I was watching Deal or No Deal the other night and found myself thinking about you setting on our couch watching it and calling the girls by name with that crooked grin ... you are forever in my mind dad and very imbedded in my heart.

I love you and I miss you so very much!!!!

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Getting close again.  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Getting close again.  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well its getting close to four months. Hard to beleive. I always think of you. But it gets more so the week before your leaving then the big let down when its over. Its like I exspect to wake up and find out on the 29th it never happened. Then the big let down that it did.

 I'm trying to get all the chores you did in the fall done but its hard to find the energy or the want to without you here to motivate me. Of course it decided to rain again but I'll try to get the roses trimmed and I still have to get the furniture in that Bobbie and Bill gave us. Then I want to paint the bedroom and get it cleaned up. See if I can find the pictures of our first trip. I think their in the trunk that belonged to mom. I want to get some winter weed and feed for the yard and get someone to blow out the sprinkler system. I never could get you to show me how to do it. You always hung onto the jobs that you could still do.

 Bill wanted to know why I hadn't let them know that there were a few things that you couldn't do any more over the last several years. I don't know if he understood the pride that you always had in being independent. There's no way I could take that away from you by advertising the fact that you were unable to do a lot of the things you had done before. You knew but were always motivated to keep trying. To do what you still could. And that varied depending on the weather and humidity. You even got upset if I offered to try and learn how to do some of the things that were getting difficult for you to do. I tried and tried to get you to show me how to blow out your sprinkler system. No go! You would wait until I went to bed or get up early and do it before I got home even working in the dark to maintain being able to do your share. I would offer to plant the garden because it was so hard for you to bend over for any length of time. But no. You would sit on a milk crate putting the plants in for 2 days that I could have done in a couple of hours. I didn't even know you had been working on the motor home again until I went to get into it a while back and found all the batteries sitting in the doorway. I can understand that pride. I hate asking for help too. And you always knew that. I ended up hurting myself several times by trying to keep you from doing things because I was worried you would get hurt. So I would get in a big hurry and try to horse things around before you could get there to help. You would get so upset with me for getting in such a hurry but I don't think you knew how many times I hurt my back or shoulders trying to keep you from getting hurt. I love you. And thats why I was always trying to protect you. I know you understand because you were that way too. Well Baby I have to get busy or I'll never get anything done. I love and miss you. Talk to you again later. 

                     Your helpmate Carla   

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Bubbles! / CARLA BELL (WIFE)  Read >>
Bubbles! / CARLA BELL (WIFE)

 Remember when we had been together about a week in the very beginning. And I had never been on a date before you so I knew nothing about boy and girl stuff. Hadn't been through the teen age crushes and all that. I finally asked you one night what the little bursting bubbles that rose in your chest meant---and you told me that meant I was in love. Well I look at pictures of you and I still get that little tingling bubble feel even though your not here.

 I have the memory of you twice this summer though getting that littlle glowing light in your eyes and the little crooked grin as you held your chest and told me the bubbles were bursting.

The one time was an evening we were home and you were watching your game shows and out of thin air you did that. And the last time was while we were on vacation and you were driving on our way back from Alaska. I treasure the memories of you letting me know that you still loved me even after all of these years! Thank you for being the kind and loving person that you are. I still feel your love at times glowing around me and in me. 

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Missing you  / Jim Bell (Son)  Read >>
Missing you  / Jim Bell (Son)

 Well the last few months have been pretty trying was getting a real good deal on my treatments but come to find out that he was stealing the supplies and deluting it so that no one would know. Last couple time was wondering because didn't seem to be getting as good of results. So now am having to go to a different clinic. So back to trying to raise the funds for that. Very frustrating. Have talked to Carla a few times not as much as I should but by the time that I get through at the school and get home I'm wiped out. Don't have the stamina I used to have. Oh well not complaining sure do miss you!

Love Jim

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We did it!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
We did it!  / Carla Bell (wife)

Well Baby we did it!

 I made my first solo run since you left. I went to see Bobbie and Bill. It wasn't the same without you. But it wasn't as bad as I expected. I babbled to you all the way over and back. I even heard you telling me when we were getting to were the speed limit changed from 60 to 70. Never will figure out how you can remember all of that. Didn't even miss any turns. Thought I had coming back at Pasco and not were you would think But I could hear you telling me to keep going straight I thought about going out through Kalotus but we never went that way.

 On the way over on White Pass the truckers evidently thought you were still driving. I got behind a big rig with a hugh trailer of corn But he seen Big Dog coming and pulled over as far as he could in a no passing zone. I heard you say " He wants you to pass."  So away we went ! He didn't let the vehicle behind me go though so I never seen either one of them again. I can't do your time but it wasn't bad I was only 40 minutes behind you. Now coming back i ran into construction so it took a quite a bit longer. Bobbie was going into a panic because I hadn't called her earlier But you know how the cell phone reception is.

 Bobbie was right we didn't talk about your being missing. And this time the weather was bad enough we weren't outside and would have spent more time in the house with you. But then Bobbie and I made our run to all our normal stores. But I knew you weren't waiting for us this time and wondering what we were doing that was taking so long. Bobbie thinks she and Bill have to finish the job you started. So she bought a bunch of stuff for the bathroom remodel.

 I have to get the living room rugs shampooed so I can get all the new furniture she sent home with me also. No quite sure how I'm going to arrange it. but will figure that out when I get it in her and some stuff moved out.

 I know you said no more pets after we lost Midge. But it will be nice to have something to come home to. Plants aren.t the same. She is a character! But she is a wonderful kitty. She only made any noise twice on an 8 hour drive. Can you imagine!! I was going to call her Hemi but since we found out she is a girl I think I'll call her Angel. I know you would say she's a Darlin and that would make a good name too. But your my darlin. Meibe Angel won't work either because I know you've signed on to be my guardian angel.Well what ever she's decided she want's to help type so this could be a problem. So I better go for now. Thanks for the help with the trip. Talking to you on the way over and back it did't seem as long as I thought it was going too. I will never be able to drive as long as you could though. It's going to take me a least a day and a half to drive what you did in one. Even the final day of our trip this year you drove for  at least 12 hours and I only did 4 or 5. Then six days later we find out you had the 2 subdural hematomas that had been slowly growing for 3 weeks. So you couldn't have been feeling that perky. But the only thing you mentioned was having a little headache and didn't know why you didn't have anything up there to hurt. Well thanks for all the help on this little excursion. I love you and will talk more to you later-- write to you later i always talk to you!!

                   Love Carla

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A wonderful thing!!!  / Barbara Fann   Read >>
A wonderful thing!!!  / Barbara Fann

Because we gave Carla the entertainment center I took all of the stuff out of it ... and I was going through it to see what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to throw away.   I came across the Video that you and Carla sent from the Reunion ... I have been listening to you talk .. what a wonderful comfort it has been for me.  What a wonderful man ... what a comforting voice.   I am going to make copies of it ... don't ever want to lose your voice again. 

I miss you a lot today!!!

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Carla / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Carla / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Well Dad, Carla just left about 3 minutes ago.  Seeing her come was wonderful; seeing her leave ... well you already know how that went.  She was strong as she always is.  But she is not going home alone; you are with here I can feel you when she is around ... and she has a brand new little friend; a little 6 toed kitty that she is naming Hemi.   He loves her!!!  So do I!!!

We did "the Circuit" while she was here hitting all of the second hand stores for treasures.  She found cook books. 

We had a wonderful time together but there was something missing that neither of us talked about; and we know that missing piece was you.  I think that Carla is going to be ok; she is sad, that you can see in her eyes but she is determined, something you can also see.   Hopefully it helped a bit that we sent a bunch of things; the intertainment center just inside the door, a sink and pedestal for the bathroom and two black leather chairs (good thing you have a big truck) ... and she got the tile and a medicine cabinet for the bathroom.  Just a few things that will help keep her busy (but we will help on the bathroom) ... Don't want to change too much but just enough that she can have Her home. 

On my way home from work the day she got here I tried to prepare myself for seeing your truck ... it still hit ... then when she drove away ... well I just love her!!!  Thank you for giving her to me you did wonderful ... I love you dad and I love her ... she is truly your biggest jewel!!!!

I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your daughter

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Sometimes. / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Sometimes. / Carla Bell (wife)

 Sometimes I miss you so much I can't hardly breath and I feel like someone is squeezing my heart into nothing. I've heard of being heartsore but didn't know what it really meant till now. The fact that I work were you said your final good-bye doesn't always help. The other night we had a lady return her keys for the rooms they had been given but her husband passed on so they decided to go home instead of staying. As she was telling me what had happened it all same rushing back. The night you left. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her and cry too.   But it's a little tough to do that when your working. I've admitted two people to the room where you died. My heart sinks and I wonder if they will make it out of there differently than you did. I never know which might be for the best. 

 Sometimes  Bobbie wonders how I can be so strong. But that is not always the case. I gained a lot of my strength from you. I was still recovering from this scenario when we met. I had came close to the edge that time but you pulled me back with your love and caring.  You never did realize the precipace I had been hanging on when we met. You thought I was stronger than I was too. I'm excellent at hiding my true emotions but then I was trained that way when I was a kid. I guess I learned my lessons well. Sometimes in private I can almost let them out but then the control goes back in place. I envy Bobbie and other people that I see that can let it out instead of holding it back and covering it up. I imagine the release has to make you feel better.

 Sometimes  I can hear your voice reminding me of things I need to get done. Its always the things I was used to you doing though. Like washing the car or getting it serviced or taking the bills down to mail.Sorry I never have gotten around to getting the weeds pulled from around your tomato plants though. Let  whomever is helping themselves to the tomatoes  do a little of the work. I'll keep paying the water bill. That reminds me I need to change the furnace filter too.

 Well if nothing comes up I'll be going to see Bobbie and Bill this coming week. Hope you talk to me then too so I don't make a wrong turn. I'm sure that sometimes I'll forget you not there and be talking to you. It's going to be a long trip without you!!

                                            Love your wife and best friend  

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Finally home  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Finally home  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Sorry its taken me so long to get this done. I know it would have driven you crazy. But you always told me that planniing was the biggest part of the job.  And since I never had a plan it took a little longer.

 I didn't realize some of the symbolism of the things I chose until I got done and decided to look up the meaning of flowers on the internet. I chose roses because they were your favorite flower as well as pansies. But trying to find silk pansies around here is next to impossible. But white roses are a sign of respect as well as purity and spiritual love.  And since you were respected  and loved this fits. Red roses are also a symbol of love and fidelity. and you are surrounded by them also.

 I always think of sunflowers as being the flower of childhood and the country. Since you were raised in the country I thought this fit. Then I found out they are they symbol of loyalty and constancy. You were always a loyal friend husband and father. You were always there for me and your kids. All they had to do was ask so that makes you a constant in our lives. Even the ivy means fidelity in marriage. And as far as I ever knew that was the case

 Then for some reason I typed in butterfly.

the fact that you had held a butterfly in your hand while we were on vacation this year and it turned out to be one of my favorite pictures. Turns out there is a grief organization that helps people surviving the death of a loved one that is called Butterfly. Part of this comes from the fact that so many people beleive they have been visited by a loved one in the form of a butterfly. These butterflies don't always react like normal butterflies. It's almost like they respond to request that people have put to thm in order to find out if they may be the spirit of a loved one.  Also they are a symbol of people coming out of their grief like a butterfly out of a cacoon to get on with a new life.

Also the cabinet that everything is in is the one your father built. I don't know how many times you told me how your dad had handcrafted it with just a few rudimentary tool and a jacklnife back in the 30's. To me its a symbol that your being cradled by your father and all our love.

  Well sweetheart I know it won't be up to your standards but if you were here you would appreciate it for what it is meant to be. A symbol of my love and respect  for you When Bobbie comes to visit she can fine tune the flower arrangments since thats her forte.

 I put some of your books and toys from when you were a child on one shelf and jellybeans in the dish that you always remembered being on the coffee table at home when you were a boy. A lantern to light your way. Which I doubt if you need so think of it as a light in the window so you can always find your way back to me. I love you !!  I'll sign off for now it has been a long day. Talk to you later.

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Remembrance / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Remembrance / Carla Bell (wife)

 Hi Baby;

 Well its been three months today. They say it will get easier but I don't know when. To me it seem to get harder. The shock is wearing off and I'm starting to feel and see again. When I got off work the other morning Big Dog was waiting for me with just a little mist on the windshield and the way the light was coming through the back for a moment I was happy because I thought I seen you waiting for me! Then it dawned on me your not waiting for me here.

 You never had to wait on me very long. You were always so impatient to get on the road. I only remember that messing us up once though. We had got loaded and I had rushed to take the key to the motel office and we were off. Then about 40 miles down the road it was a whoops! I figured you would be mad at me. I had left my purse in the motel. The only ones that got upset was me and the motel manager when we got him out of bed. Later we seen a heard of mountain goats just about were we had turned around to go back. You said : "See there was a reason we had to go back we wouldn't have seen them if we hadn't came through again at this time."

 Your early starts played to my advantage once though. We had discussed which route to take coming home. We had been the one way and we knew what it looked like Not impressive. So as we were cruising along in the dark. You didn't see the sign for your turn off and I didn't mention it since I wanted to go the other way. Later on when you seen how pretty the way were going was you mentioned you were glad you had missed the turn off. I just looked and you and laughed and thats when you realized I had seen the sign and hadn't told you.

 Another time we had left in the darkness of the morning and we could see all these eyes glowing everywhere along the road. We couldn't really see what they were but you finally figured out we were in the middle of a herd of elk that were migrating. When it finally got light enough to see we saw a few but they were evidently traveling in the cover of darkness also. 

 Then there was the other end of the day. You would put off stopping so we would end up going another 2 or 300 miles because there was nothing available where we were at. Which was alright except when you didn't get gas either. One of the times you had done this turned out quite interesting. We had finally found a gas station that we didn't know if it was open because there were no light on. So while you were checking that out I went to get a picture. I thought I saw a small dog when I turned around but it turned out to be a fox!! He came right up to my feet. In the meantime you had got gas and had came out and saw what was going on but didn't realize I was facing the little guy so you were tring to get my attention. I got pictures of him but it was just dark enough they didn't turn out real well. Later on down the road a raven jumped up from the middle of the road and hit his head on the side mirror. It exploded! With out thinking you rolled the window down Wrong thing to do! A little farther down the road this big bear was coming up out of the barrow ditch into the road. It turned into a race to see who could get to the same spot in the road. You decided you didn't have time to stop so it was hit the gas. Well this was only about a three hour span of our lives. One of the more exciting times.

 We had the quite times to where we didn't even have to talk to know what the other was thinking. It was odd how many times one of us would bring something up out of the blue and it was what the other had been thinking about. I miss all that we had but thank you for 35 years of memories.

 At the beginning one of  the reasons you didn't want to marry me. Was that you had been in the hospital in Missoula with a gi bleed that they couldn't figure out the cause of. So they had told you at that time it might be stomach cancer. Diagnostics weren't as good as now. You had no way of knowing for sure how long you might have if that was the case. I told you I would rather have you for a week than not at all. Well we made it a long time before it came and I'm glad we took the chance. I heard a song the other day that said it all even though it broght tears to my eyes. I'd do it all over again. I'd choose you again. I hope you felt the same way. At the end it was rather tense and you were trying to protect me and hurt me instead by cutting me off. I know what you were doing but it still hurts. But I have a lot of wonderful memories that will never go away and I will love you always.

                                    Love Carla

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... 3 months  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
... 3 months  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

... and now we have reached the three month mark.  Seems like an eternity already ... yet it seems like yesterday. 

Thank you for life thank you for showing me unconditional love thank you for giving me a good role model to follow. 

When I think about favorite moments there are so many.  I still remember the Easter that I had the mumps and mom and the boys went to Grandma and Grandpa's and you stayed home with me.  We had our own Easter egg hunt and you put the quarter under the egg in the little porcelain donkey pulling a cart.  I remember that day that the boys didn't want me to play with their construction Tonka toys with them and I was setting out by the little creek and you came out and sat beside me and said "it isn't very much fun just looking at the creek let's build a damn and we built a damn with our hands"  ... it was a good damn ... but we forgot to tear it down and the next morning it had flooded the yard.  And when you would haul all of us around in the bucket of the backhoe ... 

Being your daughter is an honor knowing your love you is a gift having you for my dad was a prize.  Remembering you and carrying on your legacy is my privalege. 

I don't know for sure what the afterlife is like but I can only hope that you know that I am proud that I am your daughter and that I am trying to live a life that you would be proud of.  

I Love You Dad!!!  I miss you!!!

 

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Private thoughts  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)  Read >>
Private thoughts  / Barbara Fann (Daughter)

Hi Dad

I have been thinking about Wednesday a lot this evening ... it seems that as time goes on and the days pass there are more and more memories that I have.  There are days that I am so very angry and I know that God nor you would want me to be that way or feel that way ... it isn't something that I WANT to feel it is just there ... I said before that I have a lot of questions; I guess that it is all a part of losing someone so special. 

I have thought a lot about all of the times that I disappointed you with decisions that I made in my life; but through it all I always knew that you loved me and supported me.  I am sorry for disappointing you in any way and I thank you for what you have so quietly taught me in life. 

I did put in for a Co-manager position in Arizona; it would have allowed me to not have to do so much physical work ... but it was not the right thing for now.   I did think a lot of the "What would dad tell me to do" "would dad think that it is the right move" and "would dad think I am being selfish" thoughts ... I think you would have told me "Honey if it is supposed to be it will happen and you will feel good about it".  Dad I did not feel good about it I did not want to leave Carla and I don't think you would want me to ... I did not want to leave the house that you know where I am at. 

I was in the parking lot at work yesterday and a silver/gray Aspen turned the corner ... for a brief moment I forgot and got excited ... then I remembered again.  I don't know how Carla is doing it; she is such a breath of fresh air when I talk to her ... I promise you that we will always be as close as we have been ... in fact we are even closer now.  We both lost you!!!

As the three month mark comes closer there are really only three things that I think .... I miss you ... I love you ... and I would give anything for one more day with you.   How to do this ....

Oh how I miss you!!!!!

Barbara

PS ... Bo is having a tough time physically right now ... we need a miracle dropped from heaven ... maybe you could pull a few strings. 

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Almost three months  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Almost three months  / Carla Bell (wife)

 Well sweetheart its been almost three months since we've seen each other. They say it gets easier with time but I don't know how long. You know how good I am about blocking my emotions But every once in a while I let my guard down and it feels like someone is sqeezing the life out of my heart with overwelming grief.  I miss you so much our talks and little trips. I finally gave you back your spot on the couch most of the time anyway.

 Its not so bad when I'm at work. That keeps me mainly busy plus a few peple around. On my days off when I get in this mood I normally go do something outside like mow the yard or work on the inside. But when I get up at 2 or 3 in the morning it's a little hard to get anything done in the dark. I can't do any of things I need to do since no one else seems to want to open before 9. So I sit and think and watch you in your new home. I haven't even been able to finish the book I started before you left and you know how I like to read. Just can't concentrate. 

 Bobbie was wanting a picture of you with Old Yellow. So I spent most of yesterday going through a bunch of our pictures. Believe this or not as many pictures that we took of you with Big Red I'e only been able to find one with you and Old Yellow but i'm still looking. I got sidetracked cleaning out the coat closet yesterday since thats were we kept the majority of the pictures except the digital. But we hadn't went digital when we were running Old  Yellow.  I know there are some pictures here somewhere of one of our trips to Yellowstone with it.

 There will be a lot of warm peple this winter thanks to you. You were always giving me a hard tome about how many clothes I  have but I filled up 3 industrial leaf bags with nothing but your coats. I was going to do something with your tomatoes yesterday too. I noticed a couple of days before there was plenty to do something with. so I was going to make your tomato soup base. I had even went and bought the containers. But evidently someone needed them more than us again this year. I didn't get aroung to blocking it of like  you did last year. I also managed to get the yard mowed which it desperatly needed. It was raining las week on my days off so I didn't get it done.

 The rain reminded me of the night we let you go. There was a major lightening and thunderstorm that night. We could even hear the thunder in your hospital room. The medical staff hadn't mentioned anything about letting go. They kept telling us there was hope. So we were worried about Jim getting here. Not long after he got here we found out why God was so angry. It was odd though that after Jim was almost here the lightening and thunder ceased. Him and I were outside talking when they talked to Bobbie.

 I need to take some pictures of your new place in the house too. But I need to do that on a sunny day about 4 in the afternoon. It makes your home take on a glow. As you can tell I spend a lot of time still watching and talking to you. I also need to take the cars a get them washed. I can hear you havinga fit.  I keep thinking about taking our fall trip to see Bobbie and Bill but I don't travel well alone. Thought about getting a dog. but it wouldn't be fair to the dog since I work so much.

 I found more pictures for Bobbie to put here. I know I must of seen them the first time I was going through the pictures but its odd I don't remember seeing them. Well I better go and I'll talk to you again Wednesday.

                                            Love you Carla

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Just Me Again  / Jim Bell (Son)  Read >>
Just Me Again  / Jim Bell (Son)

The time we had together when you came to Alaska in June was very special. There had been strife between us because of this stupid cancer. You had been afraid that I was doing the wrong thing with the decision I had made. I was pretty sure I had made the right decision and because of it all we found ourselves at odds; not a good place to be considering how close we had been for years. But when you came up in June we made peace. I'm so thankful for that. We had no idea that in less than a month you'd be gone. I've always made my own choices but having your love and support made life a little easier. I thank God that made peace before you passed on. I love you dad.

Jim  

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Typical teenager!! Maybe not!!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Typical teenager!! Maybe not!!  / Carla Bell (wife)

So much time to think of all the little stories that you used to tell me about your life. You were raised on a farm  had all the normal chores to do. But you figure you tricked your dad into letting you off milking the cows. You said you absolutely hated milking cows. So you would milk them in reverse forcing the milk back into the udders. Your dad was really paticular about his cows and tried to tell you that this would cause them to quit giving milk but you didn't want this job anyway.  So you continued doing it until your dad wouldn't let you milk any more.

 Then you dearly loved your dad and there was the time he came to school to get you because he needed you to help with the harvesting. But you weren't there. You and some of your friends had cut class to take a road trip. When you got home that day your dad wanted to know were you had been." Well dad I was in school." "No Bobbie you weren't I went to get you to help me today. " You said it was the disappointment in his voice and eyes that hurt you worse than anything else he could have done to you.

 Not that stopped you from cutting class and taking off. You figured you were going to be in deep trouble the time you were behind Palouse and rolled your car. But back then they built them to last. So you got it turned back up on its wheels with little damage and got home before anyone there knew you had been gone.

 But you were also the kind of teen ager that cared about other people. You would stand up for the people that the schoold bully was picking on. and this gave you a chance to be proud of being a farm boy. You didn't realize how much stronger you were than the town kids from all the physical labor you did The time you didn't want to hurt your girlfriend by taking someone else to the senior dance because she wasn't old enough to go. so you invitied one of your widowed school teachers Mrs Bennett.

But you got into enough trouble that your mom told you "Bobbie the only thing wrong with you is your the kind of boy I don't want you running with!!" Meibe she wouldn't have said that if she would have realized how much worse some of your friends were by far. Remember after we got together and we ran into one of your classmates that was 2 or 3 years younger than you and we found out some of your best friends from back in the day had gang raped her. You notice they didn't try it when you were around.

 Even then you had your love of cars and was always modifying them which your dad never understood. To him they were just away of getting from one place to another. Not something to be spending money on by putting all the accesories on that were available. But you would save your money and get the little extras.

I know there are a hundred other little things I don't have room to put down here but you were a wonderful person even back then. Even though you had your moments like everyone else. Your work ethics and caring for your fellow man that you learned as a young man continued on for the rest of your days.

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Almost Home!  / Carla Bell (wife)  Read >>
Almost Home!  / Carla Bell (wife)

 

 Well Baby I almost have your place finished in the living room. It will never be done because I'll always be finding something that will make me think of you and be rearranging.I know how you hated that and I didn't do it much when you were physically here. Remember the time I had rearranged the living room and you came home that night and fell over the coffee table that we hadn't had when you went to work. It was broken to smitherens after you landed on it in the dark. Thankfully you weren't hurt but you weren't too happy. After that I quite moving things and I'll try to leave you be. But I still want to get some pine boughs in remembrance of how you loved the woods and all the time we spent in them in our travels and even close to home. Like when we used to go mushrooming and huckleberrying. And when we were somewhere new you were always telling what kind of trees were there. Another one of those knowledge things that I never could learn. No matter how many times you told me they all looked basically the same. Got so I could tell the difference  between a fir and a pine but still got them backwards.

 I'm going to hang a couple of the pictures I know were your favorites by were you are and a couple you didn't get a chance to see but I think you would have liked. There is some that I got from the end of the dock at Bobbie's of Mount Rainier  with the sun shining on it and framed by the darkness of  of the time of day were I was standing. Also the last sunset that we shared at Bandon.

 I love you baby and the fog is starting to thin but I think I liked it better with the fog. It hurts to much without the muffling cover of it. But I have plenty to keep me busy. It took me forever to frame the pictures that I put up. That was always something you did. I didn't appreciate how you could just set down and eyeball them and cut it to match the frame. I would have never gotten done with the pictures we gave to the bake sale if you hadn't framed all 36 of them in one night while I was at work. Thats why you got the idea to do them since I was working 12 hour shifts and didn't have time to bake.

 It's raining today so I have an excuse not to mow the yard but I just did that four days ago any way. I need to get out and pick your tomatoes and make some of your soup. I can't seem to get anyone to come by and pick them. I guess we spoiled them by you always picking them and me delivering. Oh well I guess I won't feel guilty if I don't put in any next year.

     I better tell you good-bye for now I have a lot to do if I'd just get up and do it.  Love you and talk to you later.

  P.S. Thank you for the prayers for Bills mom. I think we've all had enough for this year. She came though her surgery fine.!!

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